You’re Not Broken—You’re Just Split: How to Make Peace with the Parts of You That Panic, Ghost, or Bail
- Justin Hurtado
- May 14
- 4 min read
By Rev. Dr. Justin Hurtado
The part of you that cancels last-minute, spirals mid-flight, or ghosts a relationship when it starts to feel real? That part isn’t evil. It’s scared.
And it's not trying to ruin your life. It's trying to protect you with some very outdated tools.
I’ve seen this pattern in clients' sessions, even inside confessionals.
The name of the game is emotional avoidance. And it’s sneaky as hell.
🌀 “I want connection... but I feel trapped.”
This one’s common. You commit to a plan, a person, a path—and then suddenly your chest tightens. It’s like the walls are closing in. You start thinking:
“What if this is a mistake?”
“What if I can’t handle this?”
“What if I change my mind later?”
So you bail. Or distract. Or numb out.(You’re not flaky. You’re trying to feel safe.)
But here's the spiritual and psychological truth:
Safety isn’t the absence of discomfort. It’s the presence of support.
If you want to feel less trapped by commitment, you’ve got to include discomfort in the deal from the start. Growth will pinch. Love will stretch. Even joy has risk.
And that’s okay.
🧠 The “All-Or-Nothing” Brain Trap
When you were a kid, you were probably told things like:
“This is right. That’s wrong.”
“This is safe. That’s dangerous.”
“This makes Jesus happy. That sends you to hell.”
Sound familiar?
We call this dichotomous thinking—seeing the world in black-and-white.But life’s more like a patchwork quilt made from every shade of gray, beige, and “hot mess pink.”
As adults, that rigid thinking shows up as:
“If I’m not 100% sure, I shouldn’t do it.”
“If one thing goes wrong, the whole thing is unsafe.”
“If I feel afraid, it must mean there’s danger.”
None of that is true. It just feels true.Your nervous system hasn’t updated its software since 1997.
🧍♀️The Good You vs. The Bad You
According to psychodynamic theory (don’t worry, this won’t get too Freudian), we all have what’s called a split self.
There’s a Good You: confident, generous, loveable. And a Bad You: anxious, avoidant, ashamed.
If you grew up with inconsistent or conditional love, your brain learned to split.You felt safe showing one side, and the rest got hidden.
When you’re doing well, you feel like a “good person.”When you’re struggling, you feel like a disaster.
But the truth is: You’re both. You’re whole. You’re beloved. And Jesus doesn’t just want the shiny parts. He came for the anxious wrecks, the flight-risk romantics, the angry teens living inside grown men.(Ask Peter, who literally denied him three times and still got handed the keys to the kingdom.)
🛑 The Trap of “Safety Behaviors”
Anxiety isn’t the enemy. Avoidance is.
We all use little tricks to avoid feeling what we’re feeling. Some are obvious (booze, shopping, doomscrolling).Others wear yoga pants and carry affirmation cards.
Common “safety behaviors” look like:
Distracting yourself with mantras or breathwork (instead of feeling the feeling).
Clutching your meds like they’re the Eucharist (no shame—but notice if you’re bypassing growth).
Using positivity to bulldoze grief or fear.
Dropping out of therapy when it starts getting real.
None of these makes you a bad person. They’re just signs you’re trying to survive.
But survival isn’t the goal. Healing is.
💡 What Can You Do Instead?
Here’s what I teach my clients, congregants, and inner anxious 8-year-old:
1. Name What You Feel Without Judging It
Instead of “I’m freaking out,” say:
“I’m feeling fear.”
“My body wants to run.”
“This feels unsafe, but that doesn’t mean it is.”
2. Practice Emotional Exposure (Without Flooding Yourself)
This is about gently letting yourself feel the scary stuff, in manageable doses, until your system learns it can survive.
Just like spiritual practice:
You sit. You notice. You don’t flinch.
You build muscle. Over time, fear loses its grip.
(Barlow et al., 2011 call this "emotion exposure therapy." I call it sitting with the Holy Ghost until you stop flinching.)
3. Use Support, Not Escape
Ground yourself in real relationships.
Work with a therapist or coach who doesn’t rush your process.
Let your spiritual practices hold you, not hide you.
💬 Final Blessing
If this all sounds familiar, welcome. You’re not broken. You’re becoming . And that anxious, avoidant, overwhelmed part of you?
It’s not a bug. It’s a clue.
A clue that you're ready to stop running—and start reclaiming the life you’re meant to live.Not perfect.But real.And sacred.
📚 Sources
Barlow, D. H., Farchione, T. J., Fairholme, C. P., Ellard, K. K., Boisseau, C. L., Allen, L. B., & Ehrenreich-May, J. (2011). The Unified Protocol for Transdiagnostic Treatment of Emotional Disorders: Therapist Guide. Oxford University Press.
Blakey, S. M., & Abramowitz, J. S. (2016). The effects of safety behaviors during exposure therapy for anxiety: Critical analysis and practical recommendations. Clinical Psychology Review, 49, 1–15. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2016.07.002
BetterHelp. (2024). What is dichotomous thinking, and what does it mean for you? https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/personality-disorders/understanding-dichotomous-thinking-and-what-it-means-for-you/
“You’re not broken, you’re just split.”— Rev. Dr. Justin Hurtado, image generated with DALL·E (OpenAI, 2025)
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